Vision 20 : 20

Kelly and I had breakfast this morning passing by Tan Chai Ho’s service centre in Jalan Ikan Emas. It was nailed close like a coffin. In any case, I don’t see Khalid Ibrahim’s service centre anywhere in Bandar Tun Razak. Where the fark is my MP anyway? He’s now the Menteri Besar of Selangor and now also my MP in KL too? How is he going to resolve our woes and effectively represent me in parliament?

I asked Kelly, “Will I be a good MP?” Without hesitation, she replied yes.

“Would you not think that I will accept bribes?”

“No, I don’t think so”

“Perhaps those bribes comes in millions!”

“Nolar, you sibeh honest wan”

That has kind of re-affirm me that I should be contesting somewhere and somehow for a seat under whatever banner. That’s the Malaysian spirit. Contest if the grassroot support is strong. Sure boh? The “grassroot” may be accepting another RM100 for voting for another sucker. Besides, my wife, my grassroot might vote against me. Who bloody hell knows?

That is what the Umnoputra thinks. Obtain so-called “grassroot support” where they got knocked down, then left rigfht centre by their own party members for losing by more votes than their own existing party members in the recently Permatang Pauh by-elections ie. There are indeed some Umnoputras who voted for the opposition.

Why did Anwar Ibrahim ask that his wife vacate that seat for his return? This is utter waste of the taxpayer’s money. Was he not supposedly to bite onto the Farkface Chinese boobswagger guy who taped Lingam’s place or Khalid’s MP-ship? Truth is, no one in PKR wants to hang on to thin air. They want something, some position, somehow for themselves. And it’s only human nature. Not only that, these 2 idiots do not want to surrender their seats to DSAI owing to their personal greed. Personal greed exist everywhere and in all parties and in all forms, me included. I want perks should I join politics, I mean real perks not like RM100 per diem. I want multi-million contracts which I can sub-contract it out. I want to buy expensive cars and live like a parasite too if an opportunity presents itself. Don’t you?

But I really doubt if I can really place myself into that sort of trap. This trap can mute a person like me. I would be reserved, not willing to speak up and act like a real mouse. How would one be effective if he’s on the take?

Before you go. Here, 20 for you, 20 for me.

A Case of Co-incidental Fasting

Okay I admit that I do sometimes feel like fasting with our Moslem friends to see how far my patience can actually stretch. It is common amongst faiths descended from Abe to fast, Buddhist monks to go on no food and water for days (yes, water for days) or even Mahatma Gandhi which have such will to ensure the Brits gets the idea they are not welcomed and get the fuck out of India. This whim happened only to me when the Moslems in Malaysia go fasting. This will continue to become a whim as long as my spirit does not have the will power. Put it another way, even if my sprit is willing, the flesh is not willing. I have to have uric and lactic acid build in my temple of trash.

Last weekend was a test of fasting of sorts. The gang and I decided to head out to Mid Valley to find some good deal on the home decoration fair – be it wallpapers or paint, wrought iron grilles to engineered wood. Dandily, we parked out car and just before I lock the car, panic struck me. I checked my wallet, there wasn’t a single ringgit in my wallet. Kelly took all the money out from my wallet for Sunday morning wet shopping at Taman Midah. Nope, no ATM cards as well. At that time I was prepared to use my credit card and have lunch but heck, what about the parking? I frantically search my super gay-pink coin pouch but I left it at home. Not even a single cent! Locked our car and sat ourselves silly and started to call my sister who is known to prowl this mall on weekends if they were coming. Nope, not today. I was truly stuck in Mid Valley with my family. Boy, I have not felt so stupid in many years now. The though of asking a retailer to charge more into my CC and taking a balance was also there but I thought that wasn’t too ethical and wonder if these retailers are willing to do so. I have decided to send a lengthy text message to my friend who would probably make a visit here. I must have sent around a dozen of them.

As I waiting for response, Kelly was so stressed up. Chloe have not had breakfast and Abigail was getting cranky. Kelly felt responsible for taking out the stash from my wallet but of course, she wasn’t to be blamed – I should have checked my wallet. Calls came in, first up it was my uni-mate, Ah Kow (yes, the dog, not a puppy but literally a biatch with testicles) called and told me he’s heading towards the Summit and will drop me some cash. Grabbed my first offer. I felt obligated yet a feeling of remorse as I seldom call him and when I do, he responded to my rescue. I’m a half-bred canine if he’s a biatch!

Next up was PuPPy. He sms-ed me and told me he’s heading my way. Well that’s before he threw some sarcastic remarks of how early I was shopping already in Mid Valley. Well that’s PuPPy for you. He had the foresight to text me if help was already on the way that I should text him back so he can go to his favourite haunt in 1 Utama. Yah, you biatch – high street shopping for this pedigree. Looking back if my wife had wanted to do shopping in 1 Utama and if I were to divert to Mid Valley, I would. Okay, you biatch – not such a great deal too. I would have done that for you too. *Snigger*

It was KPM a.k.a Mr Wong Yee Liang who finally called and said he will be there during lunch time with a friend. He was also closest to me in Sungei Besi having breakfast with his friend. I made sure that he was in no way have inconvenienced him, I took his offer and rejected both the biatches as they were still at home.

He finally came in a Proton Edar-stickered Waja in which I cannot miss and grabbed RM50 from him. Much obliged KPM. You have truly saved me and my family from inflicting more self-pity onto ourselves.

Of course, everyone responded. Each and everyone I text responded without fail. Some were late to repond and some were pitiful but everyone responded. For this I am forever so grateful and touched, even their thoughts counts. Thank you my friends.

Kelly and I shared the same thoughts. We are caught by the fact that we have not a single cent. We are deprived of buying an ice-cream for our girls, have a small meal or even pay for the parking. These thoughts of having no money was evident and so surreal. Our thoughts went hyperdrive and started to think about the poor family who had not even the means to have a proper decent meal, let alone the lavish things that RM50 can provide. We were humbled and our poor childhood crept in. Indeed we are remorseful on how we spend money treating ourselves mad. Even by putting it this way, it is an understatement. We should really count our blessings and make each day and meal count. For tomorrow we may never have it again.

Is this what we should be feeling when you fast? Being deprived of the things that you love to do? Eat, shop and sex too? I think it is. I have a new-found respect for the poor.

p/s BTW, we had McDonald with some cut-out McChicken coupons instead of Tai Thong dim sums and paid for the parking. To make you proud, we did not buy anything else!

Hands to Work And Hearts to God

Getting up the corporate ladder is not difficult at all. It's your continued consistency in behaviour and ability to stay on top that counts. That's performance I guess.

I have mulled over a couple of months now if I should go back to deputise my ex-boss in a subsidiary. Factors that prompted me to go back are as follows.

1. I do not wish to be part of the senior management team that do not think anymore. The culture is so bad that my current boss was almost sucked into it without him knowing it at all. Thinking is so much more an integral part of planning and a process that time and effort should be based on. As a result of "no think through" on the processes, the management loses focus, direction and the way forward. I cannot subscribe to this mentality and will not subject myself to be a yes-man. I believe that we must focus our efforts on the opportunities available but not ALL opportunities. Spreading resources thin, making too many staff multi-task on matters of feeble in nature, divesting in venture and forgoing where the bread and butter come from is too much for me to take and sink in.

2. I have fought the war with loonies for almost 5 years now. I need to seek greener pastures and more room to develop myself. Dealing with internal warlords is much much more difficult than dealing with an external client. I have given sufficient time for my boss to deal with his boss but he almost threw in the towel. It is not that I could not face the reality but heck it has been a lousy 5-year and I have been subdued from delivering my best.

3. Then there is Henry. My ex-boss whom was left in the lurch when it comes to finding his successor. I'd admit that I have learnt a lot from him as a taskmaster and he would continue to surprise me with his antics and his senility (Shhh! He does not take these words too kindly.) But I am sure that he is all so happy to receive me with open arms as he has no one to leave his legacy to. And he's a bloody tough act to follow in exceeding his profit target by 53% last financial year!

4. I guess I am going back to my inner nerd or becoming a "brick & motarian" instead of this online business. While I do admit the future of travel is online but I do get my own autonomous region to manage albeit a much smaller scope of currently what I am handling. (Talk about another warlord in his fiefdom!) But this would allow me to focus and go down on my hands and knees to tighten up screws with a motley crew of 70. I have worked with many of them before and there is also a gang which is young, bright, exciting and have the tenacity to run the extra mile or two.

The downside provided me some reservations not to move.

1. I would be labelled as "the guy who made it all the way to the top and fell all the way down". I am at the top of my game and yet I choose to dirty it all over again. The cyclical downfall is too drastic - making all the way up the corporate food chain and to reach down the limbo stick. The fact that I now occupy prime office space of 400sf and moving down to another half the size does creep in.

2. But most importantly, I feel sad that the company for not being able to utilise me to the best of my capability despite my capability and willingness to climb those peak and dive into the Bermuda Triangle. I feel that the company can actually do much better if realise their mistake earlier and made the positive changes at a quicker pace.

Or perhaps it is my mistake?

Perhaps I have failed to fathom the qualities of being a corporate raider and speak aloud when I was supposedly to be quiet. Perhaps I was too naive to voice out my intention to shift - I should have put up with it and stay in that ladder as long as my fingers can cling onto. Perhaps I should have sunk myself into the mentality of my bosses.

My rise was truly meteoric (yes?) 13 years and all the way there to the corporate office. Perhaps I should have stayed more sober and quietly presenting results which are favourable. Perhaps I was engaged by the retiring forces in the company that put me in a different perspective to view life after retirement and what the company has done for me and what now (after retirement) it will do for me. Too many suppositions, I suppose.

I have made the decision to move. Hands to work and hearts to God. I shall leave it as that for the time being.

Comedy Court

You are not so funny afterall. I have seen you chaps almost every year and you are tired, boring and Indy just had a heart bypass. : )

You've passed your time. Move on and show some really good satire and move away from politics. I have had enough of you. I'm bored larh...

Ghost in Avillion

I have lost count how many times we have stayed and visited Avillion, Port Dickson. However, evertime we visit it, it looks different and has something new to offer. This time, we went there on the 1st day of the Hungry Ghost month and it is said that the 1st Day is where the Gates of Hell opens it door and spirits are left to roam on earth.

I was in Admiral Marina in the afternoon for a meeting and brought the gang there. I left them at APD and came back in time for dinner. Kelly was not too happy about me leaving them for a meeting elsewhere.

Dinner was in PD town a few stone's throw away for the Pasar Malam. We had Curried Paku-Pakis, Stir Fried Sliced Fish with some vege, oysters omelet and ku-lou-yuk. Cost me about RM35. Those dishes can feed 3 adults but we were hungry. Very good meal, best I had so far in PD and without paying any tourist price. I will recommend this place to my colleagues next week when we have our HR Conference there. The place we had our dinner was a detached shop lot, not hygienic but Kelly was ready to put up with it. Family workers and the kitchen is in the front and full monty for all to see. The kitchen was relatively clean, I've seen much worse a kitchen before.

We bought some fish keropok, corn and a pair of RM10 sandals for Kelly. Cheap! I'd rather buy stuffs like that here than near the beaches or the hotel. We even went to the Store and have a look see. We kinda pity the shopowners as the business was appalling. Kelly and I tried to put our thinking caps on and see what sort of life we would have in a sleepy town like PD. No life! No shopping complex and I will turn into an uncle sitting at coffee shop with my legs on a stool drinking kopi-o-kow. Sorry mate, not my cup of tea.

We went back to our hotel and wanted to walk around taking some shots. Chloe was dying to go back to the hotel room and play Princess Bed and Abby was getting restless (and weighty too!) Nevertheless, we still managed to walk around and found a wedding taking place. 7 tables by the beach. This couple must have been bored with ties and shoes. Something similar to a gwailo wedding, they were walking kaki-ayam style. The MC was so cocky and wasn't much fun, at times he was just bordering nasty. The coupled must have done him wrong somewhat. So you single people out there who wants me to become your MC, you better think twice!

While taking some shots like these... (BTW, good hor?)

I took one that looks like this. Aiyoh, Kelly was so terrified that while I was driving, she asked, "I just want to ask lar hor... if you took any pictures of something that you shouldn't in APD" while on our way back to Mantin. What do you mean? I took pictures of people taking a bath? Gosh, have my of any sorts have not been fully revealed to my dear wife as yet?

Good gracious, what could it be? Haiya... ghost only niah....kekkekek... nothing my prayer or my exorcism acts could not handle larh.

Went back to Room 606 at the Cochin finger, whack a few green tinnies and I dunno what happen liao. I slept like a pig and a dog combined. I have always slept well in APD. The rooms are rebuild especially the wooden portion of it. New flooring, roof trusses, bed and wardrobe. they maintain them quite well though for other portions which are made out of tiles, bricks etc.

Woke up and finally saw the gym under construction, doesn't it look like a sore thumb jutting out in grey? I hope they will paint it.

A view from the balcony. My neighbour was trying to peep through and look at my 8 pieces of prime beef, albeit now all rolled into one big beer gut. Nevertheless, I think she was overwhelmed by my handsome voice. Bah, humbug... looks like rain is underway. It rained the whole morning. Kelly was undecided whether we should head out onto the beach before it pours or head out to the restaurant for breaky.

We finally decided to make a mad-dash to the restaurant located about 300m away and greeted with this...

...and this too...

Pity Kelly, she had to climb over it. Who does not dear? An earful again. Breaky was OK. Nothing fantastic to eat though. My sunny side up ended up in fried egg. But the cheese and nasi lemak was face-saving.

Nothing to eat? What is wrong with you daddy?

Abby enjoying her breaky. Can she eat or what?

We sat around and watch people. We saw some Koreans, Gwailos, Pak Arabs, Stinkapurians and Taiwanese. we're the only Malaysian there whacking nasi lemak. Nothing could dampen our spirits when the gang and I are together.

There was this chap who was busy sweeping the floor. Wonder why he did that despite the rain still hammering the side walk. Ah, it must be for the guests so the humpty-dumpty ones might not fall and APD will not get sued.

Raining mar...nothing to do so sleep on daddy's tummy lorh!
Finally, a break in the heavens for the lights to shine. Battle stations everyone! Swimsuit attire.

***My bags are packed and I am ready to go***

On da way to the beach...

Someone decided to gatecrash...
Swell time for my fountain for joy!

You think I might need some suntan lotion?
We quickly check out to reach mantin for lunch with Kelly's mom. We have had better holidays but this is probably the first for Abigail. Ghost or no ghost, we hope she had fun as much as we did.

Functional Meeting Rooms in Sunway Lagoon

Had a meeting at Sunway Lagoon Resort. The meeting room has a very good layout, good design. Hidden power points, jacks and overhead projector.

Free wi-fi at extremely good speed, free brewed coffee, free snacks, free use of projector, free use of meeting room, free lunch, free teabreaks, free flipcharts, free parking. All free!

How I wish my office meeting rooms would be this nice.

A guide for expatriate drivers in Malaysia

Quoted from an email I received from my boss.

Since arriving in Malaysia in 1997, I have tried on many occasions to buy a copy of the Malaysian road rules, but have come to the conclusion that no such publication exists (or if it does, it has been out of print for years). Therefore after carefully observing the driving habits of Malaysian drivers, I believe I have at last worked out the rules of the road in Malaysia.

For the benefit of other expatriates living in Malaysia, and the 50% of local drivers who acquired their driving licences without taking a driving test, I am pleased to share my knowledge below:

Q: What is the most important rule of the road in Malaysia?
A: The most important rule is that you must arrive at your destination ahead of the car in front of you. This is the sacrosanct rule of driving in Malaysia. All other rules are subservient to this rule.

Q: What side of the road should you drive on in Malaysia?
A: 99.7% of cars drive on the left hand side, 0.2% on the right hand side, and 0.1% drive in reverse (be on the look out for drivers reversing at high speed in the left hand lane of freeways, having just missed their exit). Therefore on the basis of 'majority rules', it is recommended that you drive on the left. However, be aware that only 90% of motorcyclists travel on the left hand side - the other 10% ride in the opposite direction or on the sidewalk. Fortunately, motorcyclists traveling in reverse are rarely seen.

Q: What are the white lines on the roads?
A: These are known as lane markers and were used by the British in the colonial days to help them drive straight. Today their purpose is mainly decorative, although a double white line is used to indicate a place that is popular to overtake.

Q: When can I use the emergency lane?
A: You can use the emergency lane for any emergency, e.g. you are late for work, you left the toaster plugged in at home, you are bursting to go to the toilet, you have a toothache or you have just dropped your Starbucks coffee in your lap. As it is an emergency, you may drive at twice the speed of the other cars on the road.

Q: Do traffic lights have the same meaning as in other countries?
A: Not quite. Green is the same that means "Go", but amber and red are different. Amber means "Go like hell" and red means "Stop if there is traffic coming in the other direction or if there is a policeman on the corner". Otherwise red means the same as green. Note that for buses, red lights do not take effect until five seconds after the light has changed.

Q: What does the sign "Jalan Sehala" mean?
A: This means "One Way Street" and indicates a street where the traffic is required to travel in one direction. The arrow on the sign indicates the preferred direction of the traffic flow, but is not compulsory. If the traffic is not flowing in the direction in which you wish to travel, then reversing in that direction is the best option.

Q: What does the sign "Berhenti" mean?
A: This means "Stop", and is used to indicate a junction where there is a possibility that you may have to stop if you cannot fool the cars on the road that you are entering into thinking that you are not going to stop.

Q: What does the sign "Beri Laluan" mean?
A: This means "Give Way", and is used to indicate a junction where the cars on the road that you are entering will give way to you provided you avoid all eye contact with them and you can fool them into thinking that you have not seen them.

Q: What does the sign "Dilarang Masuk" mean?
A: This means "No Entry". However, when used on exit ramps in multi-storey car parks, it has an alternative meaning which is: "Short cut to the next level up".

Q: What does the sign "Pandu Cermat" mean?
A: This means "Drive Smartly", and is placed along highways to remind drivers that they should never leave more than one car length between them and the car in front, irrespective of what speed they are driving. This is to ensure that other cars cannot cut in front of you and thus prevent you from achieving the primary objective of driving in Malaysia, and that is to arrive ahead of the car in front of you.If you can see the rear number plate of the car in front of you, then you are not driving close enough.

Q: What is the speed limit in Malaysia?
A: The concept of a speed limit is unknown in Malaysia.

Q: So what are the round signs on the highways with the numbers, 60, 80 and110?
A: This is the amount of the 'on-the-spot' fine (in ringgits - the local currency) that you have to pay to the police if you are stopped on that stretch of the highway. Note that for expatriates or locals driving Mercedes or BMWs, the on-the-spot fine is double the amount shown on the sign.

Q: Where do you pay the 'on-the-spot' fine?
A: As the name suggests, you pay it 'on-the-spot' to the policeman who has stopped you. You will be asked to place your driving licence on the policeman's notebook that he will hand to you through the window of your car. You will note that there is a spot on the cover of the notebook. Neatly fold the amount of your fine into four, place the fine on the spot, and then cover it with your driving licence so that it cannot be seen. Pass it carefully to the policeman. Then, with aDavid Copperfield movement of his hands, he will make your money disappear. It is not necessary to applaud.

Q: But isn't this a bribe?
A: Oh pleeease, go and wash your mouth out. What do you want? A traffic ticket? Yes, you can request one of those instead, but it will cost you twice the price, forms to fill out, cheques to write, envelopes to mail, and then three months later when you are advised that your fine was never received, more forms to fill out, a trip to the police station, a trip to the bank, a trip back to the police station, and maybe then you will wish you had paid 'on-the-spot'.

Q: But what if I haven't broken any road rules?
A: It is not common practice in Malaysia to stop motorists for breaking road rules (because nobody is really sure what they are). The most common reasons for being stopped are:(a) the policeman is hungry and would like you to buy him lunch;(b) the policeman has run out of petrol and needs some money to get back to the station;(c) you look like a generous person who would like to make a donation to the policewelfare fund; or(d) you are driving an expensive car which means you can afford to make a donation to the police welfare fund.

Q: Does my car require a roadworthy certificate before I can drive it in Malaysia?
A: No, roadworthy certificates are not required in Malaysia. However there are certain other statutory requirements that must be fulfilled before your car can be driven in Malaysia.Firstly, you must ensure that your windscreen is at least 50% obscured with English footballclub decals, golf club membership stickers or condo parking permits.Secondly, you must place a tissue box (preferably in a white lace cover) on the back shelf of your car under the rear window.Thirdly, you must hang as many CDs or plastic ornaments from your rear vision mirror as it will support. Finally, you must place a Garfield doll with suction caps on one of your windows. Your car will then be ready to drive on Malaysian roads.

Q: What does a single yellow line along the edge of a road mean?
A: This means parking is permitted.

Q: What does a double yellow line along the edge of a road mean?
A: This means double parking is permitted.

Q: What does a yellow box with a diagonal grid of yellow lines painted on the road at a junction mean?
A: Contrary to the understanding of some local drivers, this does not mean that diagonal parking is permitted. It indicates a junction that is grid-locked at peak hours.

Q: Can I use my mobile phone whilst driving in Malaysia?
A: No problem at all, but it should be noted that if you wish to use the rear-vision mirror to put on your lipstick (women only please) or trim your eyebrows at the same time as you are using a mobile phone in the other hand, you should ensure that you keep an elbow free to steer the car. Alternatively, you may place a toddler on your lap and have the child steer the car whilst you are carrying out these other essential driving tasks.

Q: Is it necessary to use indicator lights in Malaysia?
A: These blinking orange lights are commonly used by newly arrived expatriate drivers to indicate they are about to change lanes. This provides a useful signal to local drivers to close up any gaps to prevent the expatriate driver from changing lanes. Therefore it is recommended that expatriate drivers adopt the local practice of avoiding all use of indicator lights. However, it is sometimes useful to turn on your left hand indicator if you want to merge right, because this confuses other drivers enabling you to take advantage of an unprotected gap in the traffic.

Q: Why do some local drivers turn on their left hand indicator and then turn right, or turn on their right hand indicator and then turn left?
A: This is one of the unsolved mysteries of driving in Malaysia.

Q. What is the use of the hazard warning lights?
A. Contrary to all international protocol, this four way flashing light is = switched on when the Police are escorting VIPs on the road to warn lesser mortals to move out of the way and not hinder the flow of the motorcade.Taking a cue from the Police, motorists use this at the slightest excuse when it rains to tell other motorist to get out of the way as using their hazard light anoints them with powers that part the traffic, somewhat akin to Moses parting the Red Sea.